2 September 2011
Arjan, Amman Jordan
12:45pm
(Note: This is 2 days late. Get over it)
Greetings,
When Kim told me that I was going to freak out the first week I told her she was being silly. I was wrong, she was right.
The past 36 hours have been miserable. Here is pretty much how all of my thoughts go, “Oh boy. I flew thousands of miles and spent tens of thousands of dollars and now I’m here and I don’t know why. I don’t speak this language and I don’t know what you’re saying. Why are you shouting? Am I in the way? This was a mistake. I wasn’t cut out for this. I should be at home in San Diego watching Keeping up with the Kardashians and petting a cat.” I moved in with my host family and they are really wonderful and kind, but this is not my house and they are not my family, no matter what SIT says. Last night I was crying and my Host Mother came in and said “Ohh! You are the first girl we have that cries!” Great. Now I feel awesome about myself. I told her I miss my aunts and my mom. She says, “I will be your aunt and your mom!” I appreciate the sentiment, but that is just not true. I have a mom. I have aunts. I have a house and a school and friends. None of those things are here right now.
I always judged people who can’t understand other cultures, who think that something that is American is automatically better, but right now, I get it. This is probably one of those blog posts that I’ll look back on and say “Good Lord, what was I thinking?”, but its how I feel right now. I have no picture to go with this post (Sorry Andra), so I’ll put it in list form so you can avoid all that irritating reading.
1. Gender Roles. I feel myself wanting to burn my bra when I’m here. Women and men don’t get to be friends. It is forbidden. Any relationships have to be in secret. I also am already tired of getting openly stared at, leered at, cat called, and “accidentally” touched in the street. The worst part is it gets worse if you shout back. I pride myself on my sharp tongue and ability to shut jerks up, but apparently that only works in America. I don’t think that 1960’s style free love and sexual liberation is the way to go, but you cannot convince me that a place where women have to cover their bodies because they might turn someone on is better, despite America’s staggering teenage pregnancy rate.
2. Plumbing. Jordanian plumbing is not like America plumbing. I’m no princess, but there are some things that should just work. There was an incident today that would NOT happen in a San Diego bathroom, and in my elitist American opinion it should never happen ever. I will have nightmares. And how and why would one bidet? They are super common here, but I’m incredibly intimidated/vaguely grossed out by them.
3. Language. Why does everyone shout all the time?
4. Collectivism. This is probably one of the things that I’ll look back on later and think is beautiful, but at the moment I think the lack of individualism is sad. In Jordan people are around each other all the time. You don’t spend any time alone. Just while I was sitting working on Arabic today there were three separate visitors who just dropped in. I can count on one had the number of times someone has visited Tivoli street unannounced. There is no “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take care of yourself” attitude here. Children live with their parents until they are married and do everything with them.
I know that things are going to be ok, and that I will feel a lot better once school starts, but maybe I should have actually read that study abroad handbook they gave me at PLNU instead of just taking the quiz repeatedly until I got as passing score (Sorry again Andra). This is all part of adjusting. I’ve done hard things before and I’ll do them again. I’m here for an experience outside my comfort zone. I’ll just breathe into the change and fully experience the highs, and lows.
All the best,
B
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